It seems that I have not been really using much of my peripheral vision for a very long time, or perhaps even for my whole life. The amount of information is overwhelming. Furthermore, the moments when I am losing some of the peripheral vision seem to be the moments of under- or overfocusing. This is very convenient since otherwise it is very difficult for me to detect under- and overfocusing in myself.
I suspect I haven't really used much of my peripheral years for most of my life since I recall much difficulty with tasks that are supposedly relying on peripheral vision. Looking for mushrooms is one thing. I recently learned that this is like a Bates-style exercise of "color days": pick a color for today and notice all things that have this color. (This exercise was not mention in the Bates' book, but one website presents it as a Bates method exercise.) The idea is that one can look for mushrooms in the same way: just notice all things red, then check if these are mushrooms. I, however, recall picking chunks of territory a few meters in diameter and specifically looking there to check if there is a mushroom. Then I would move to the next chunk, then to the next. I eventually found some mushrooms following this strategy, but it seems I could have done much better.
Also, I recall several experiences, particularly from my childhood, when someone would say "See this bird on a tree?", "See this person with a long beard?", "See this window in the house with the curtains?", and so on. I would usually not see whatever it is that they are talking about. After some time I figured out it was easier to simply underfocus until it was too late anyway or to pretend I saw it and then change the topic of the conversation. However, before I mastered those nice tricks, I recall diligently trying to look at every branch of the tree, one after the other, in a futile attempt to guess the particular branch that contained a bird. I think I even managed to do it on some rare occasions.
Later my concept of peripheral vision transformed into some form of eccentric fixation. I became aware of it in the context of the Bates' concept of central fixation. You know how people would explain: look at this thing, but see other things in the periphery. That's, I guess, exactly what I did: look at A, then try to see B while looking at A. By any means, it was certainly a new concept for me that I could see whatever I am looking at better than everything else.
I recall one book on photography that I saw a couple years ago. The book explained the difference between a camera looking at something and a human looking at something. It first showed a picture of a room. Then it showed the same picture, but some particular object, perhaps a vase with flowers standing on a shelf or on a table, was enlarged and very clear, while everything else was darker. I remember I didn't quite get it why some objects were supposed to increase in size in some sense, although I didn't think about it too long. This is, of course, again about central fixation.
In fact, I remember explicitly trying to see many things equally well at the same time: a face, an object, a room. Somehow I though or felt that this was the normal mode of seeing: you are looking at an object and you are seeing an object. Then, at the same time I was confused with the notion of focusing. Everyone is always talking about focusing the eyes on some object. Yet when I tried to do this thing with seeing the whole object equally well, which I perceived as "focusing on the object", my eyes didn't feel quite focused. So later, not quite consciously, I replaced it by picking a random point on the object and trying to focus on this point. I certainly felt focused on the object in the sense that it was difficult to see anything else, and this agreed with the "common notion" of being focused (intense concentration), which is really being overfocused.
Right now when I am trying to look at something, I can feel that the peripheral vision is shrinking. I am not quite sure in which sense, but the experience is unambiguous and I can reproduce it every time. If I decide to look at something and then I look at it, the peripheral vision is shrinking right away. I can stay in this mode for any amount of time - in fact, I am staying there by default. Also, If I am trying to look at something, I usually end up seeing the whole object equally well. When I let go a little bit, proprioceptively, a part of the object becomes less clear and a part of the object becomes more clear. I know by now that this is how it is supposed to be, but it still feels like I am feeling worse or like I am not focusing hard enough. At the same time the peripheral vision expands. What happens it the following: after I start seeing the boundaries of the object less clear than some area in its center where I am looking more directly, the boundaries then start to merge with the rest of the periphery. This is in contrast with seeing the whole object equally well when the boundaries of the object are fairly clear, thanks to the eccentric fixation, and they do not allow the rest of the periphery to enter the picture.
It feels a little bit like grabbing the object. It is like people who never studied Alexander technique tend to grab their toothbrush or shaver in an overfocused attempt to accomplish their immediate goal instead of taking it gently, with an appropriate amount of effort. Of course, this analogy is not exactly right, since the light waves come on their own, whereas toothbrushes and shavers don't. Even looking gently still seems to leave a lot of tension; in fact, I am not quite sure if there is such a way as looking gently or if this is just another trick.
There are many difficulties with "just looking". One difficulty that I found is the attachment to clarity. After you get accustomed to seeing the object as a whole, it is very uncomfortable to not be able to see (equally) clearly even a small part of it. Furthermore, if I am moving my head so my eyes can shift from object to object, I can feel proprioceptively as the eyes go from a farther object to a closer object and vice versa. It feels like there is a slight release as the eyes are moving to a farther object and a slight increase in tension as the eyes move to a closer object. The shift from a closer object to a farther object is particularly scary. As I am coming near the edge to the closer object, the tendency is to prepare and then jump to the farther object, since otherwise it feels like I am falling through the space from the edge of the closer object to the farther object. It feel like I am not in control, which is uncomfortable. Also, with more peripheral vision everything looks darker, so shifting the gaze farther feels like falling in the darkness, whereas bringing the gaze closer feels like trying to climb out of the darkness towards safety and comfort.
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